Thursday, January 28, 2010

The extinction of the Nice Jewish Boy (the NJB)

Sadly, after my last Jdate debacle, I concluded that the Nice Jewish Boy is on the merge of extinction, or has already become a man of another time…

A time when Jewish boys were led by their high IQs and not their circumcised petslehs,(little penises)…

When they used their investments wisely (their expensive subscription on Jdate), and not as avenues with which to get off…

When they cried over the last piece of Mandel bread being gone,

When they let their Jew fro grow wild and refused to shave it out of shame… A time when…

I could go on. It would take days.

It’s sad but true that I’ve taken to mourn the loss of this so called man that so many have told me was just beyond the horizon.

He has become like a Unicorn, Big Foot, the loch ness monster;

A myth with little evidence to prove its existence.

I’ve donned my black attire, my veil, my closed toed shoes and shed a tear, but questions swarm inside my head regarding this loss:

Who exactly is (was) an NJB ? And in a nod to Paula Cole, Where have all the good Jews gone?

Wikipedia, yes the term is even on Wikipedia, defined him as ‘a stereotype of Jewish masculinity which circulates within the American Jewish community, as well as in mainstream American culture. In Israel and the parts of the Diaspora which have received heavy exposure to the American media that deploy the representation, the stereotype has gained popular recognition to a lesser extent.’

That definition appears somewhat general, boring, and full of no answers to my question.

So, let’s look at, a less formal definer of terms and phrases:
“Common characteristics include:
- Curly dark hair
- Brown eyes
- Swarthy/olive complexion
- Very kind
- A big nose
- Really intelligent
- Extremely funny
- Kind of well-built, on the skinny side
- Tall
- Is very attached to his stereotypical Jewish mother that is very over-protective and probably hates the girl that finally sinks her claws into him.”

Funny, it would appear that in my opinion neither of the two define common characteristics of the NJB’s that I’ve heard of or have the pleasure to know.

So, I’ll stereotype:

Physically, the NJB is short, or average in height, with curly black or brown hair, brown or blues eyes, rarely are they hazel, and of course a nice size schnozz. His teeth are straight, due to monthly appointments to his Orthodontist as a young man and a hot set of shiny braces. Sometimes, he wears glasses, but their usually not the hip kind (black plastic or tortoise shell) they are silver and wire rimmed. They are functional, not fashionable and he likes it that way.

He is extremely intelligent, and loves to announce this to others, shall we say, a tad pretentious. He gets his shits and giggles from politics and re-runs of Seinfeld.

Into finance, economics, capitalism…

He is a gentleman who always pays on the first date, opens car doors, visits his Bubbee often, and loves his mother.

He is a fan of sports, but partakes in few.

He is a lover of music, all kinds, except hard-rock or death metal. (those bands scare him)

He wears boxers, not briefs and his idol is Larry David.

He goes to Shul on the high-holy days, fasts, and always keeps Passover.

He appreciates women, doesn’t understand them, but wants to.

He was a thriving population but is in the danger of vanishing.

Or, he has vanished in this district which we call Columbia.

But, this man has a historical background and Wikipedia (who knows if we can trust this source) relates that the qualities are ‘derived from Ashkenazic ideal of edelkeit (either "nobility" or "delicateness" in Yiddish). According to Daniel Boyarin's Unheroic Conduct (University of California Press, 1997), edelkeit embraces the studiousness, gentleness and sensitivity said to distinguish the Talmudic scholar and make him an attractive marriage partner (23).

‘studiousness, gentleness, sensitivity..’ Where has this man run off to?

Nice Jewish Boys were supposed to evolve from this in a positive direction, but have instead declined in all these areas.

Was the bar set too high? Did Jewish mothers have too much confidence in their little boychiks (young boys)?

I think not.

Instead, I think that NJGs (Nice Jewish Girls) have simply become too inundated with douches to realize that the man who calls himself a nice jewish boy is in fact the anti NJB:

He is the Drek auf dem teller( literally crap on a plate) who calls you in the early morning hours for booty.

He is the chamoole(jackass) who doesn’t pay.

He is the man whose penis isn’t even circumcised.

I look to my young nephew as the only hope for his kind.

I tell him that hugs are kind, as are Eskimo kisses.

I tell him not to bite or hit because that’s not nice.

I try to instill in him the principles of goodness.

I pray that he is listening.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Oops I forgot

It’s been quite some time since my last blog.

I took a break from the whole ‘dating’ scene, because men, and not just jewish bocher’s, were annoying me. Their lack of respect was pitiful and I questioned who was raising these young men to become such Shmucks. (I do not blame you, mothers. I blame the fathers.)

As you know before my time on jdate concluded, I went on a date with a Vitenamese
Buddhist, whose dental hygiene was lacking, but there was another… or there was supposed to be another.

Bocher #4- Mr. “ Oops I forgot”

I met, or never met, but began talking with Bocher #4 around August of 2008, on Jdate of course. He sent me flirts, e-cards, and finally we talked via Jdate instant message one mid Saturday. His profile was nothing out of the ordinary, he listed his occupation, his interests, his past, etc… etc.

But, his pictures weren’t so run of the mill; one was of him humping a guitar, while the others showed him in many different guitar playing positions.
God knows I can’t resist a man who plays the guitar, whether it be electric or acoustic, there is simply something about a guy who can make a melody with his fingers… it’s fucking sexy.

We became fast facebook friends, the necessary for a maidel who wants to know more about a potential Bocher.

The IM led to telephone talk, which we engaged in for quite some time, because he said, he ‘liked to get to know someone before actually meeting face to face.’

We didn’t have a great deal in common, he was a chemist, I am a writer, but the conversation flowed smoothly and I looked forward to a date.

Until, he said that this face to face encounter might have to wait until… October.
It was August.

Don’t get me wrong, I like shmoozing on the telly like any other Klaperkeh (talkative woman), but I also kind of like taking that conversation elsewhere, say a restaurant or a bowling alley, or a park (you choose).

He made excuses about being really busy with work and a new condo he was in the process of purchasing.

It was August.

But I smiled and said okay.

Eventually, he said that he just liked me as a friend, and I moved on...until December of this past year when he began poking me via facebook. This ‘poking war’ became tshepen (annoying) and finally he messaged me and suggested we talk. I gave him my number and he texted me, promising he’d call the next day, which he did, and we chatted.

Like before, the conversation flowed with only minor glitches. He questioned why I was still single and I told him, ‘because men say they know what they want, ‘a relationship,’ when all they really want is ‘bootay.’’

He assured me he was looking for a relationship and I told him he’d have to prove that to me considering his last bout of doucheness.

We began talking via telephone because, like before, he liked to get to get to know someone, blah, freaking blah…

He told me his physical appearance had changed a bit, said he had gone bald.

I assured him that was Kosher.

I lied.

I like men with hair, flowing locks of gorgeousness.

He even read my blog, which is saying A LOT considering he is a chemist who doesn’t like the art of writing or reading, and sent me sweet text messages, like, ‘can’t wait to chat later to tonight,’ or ‘night cutie.’

All signs pointed to normal, to an NJB.

He even asked me on an actual date, but I had to decline because I was babysitting, but wouldn’t have been able to had I not been because the blizzard of ’09 hit D.C.

Our meeting would have to wait until I returned from Bama, which I was headed to for the holidays.

On our (my sis, Gary, and Emmet) way to board the flight he even texted me ‘have a safe flight, will call you later,’ and he did!

These are all good things, right?

When I returned the next week we made plans to have our first date that upcoming Saturday and I excitedly began browsing the web for date ideas (in addition to first talking, he also refuses to take a girl to dinner on the first date, HMM)

That Friday night I texted him to make sure we were still on for the next evening, and he left a voice message confirming and said he’d call in a bit to discuss details.

Saturday arrived.

I waited.

I went about my normal day, and pretended to not be worried when he didn’t call me that morning.

I wanted to play it cool. (Inside I was shvitzing)

I refused to text him because I didn’t want to appear pushy.

That afternoon I went to the gym, hoping that when I finished my workout I’d have a phone call or text from him.


I waited.

Around 7 o’clock that evening when I texted him ‘Assuming we are not hanging out tonight, if you ever feel like it let me know. Thanks.’

He responded the next day (not even that night!) and says, ‘Something came up, and to be honest…
I forgot.”


NEVER, and I mean NEVER, tell a woman who you are ‘supposedly’ interested in that you ‘forgot’ about a date or an occasion.

The truth, gentlemen, will ‘not set you free;’ instead it will bind you to a heavy chain, and many hours or days of verbal attack.

Just lie.

Lie like you’ve never lied before.

Lie like the security of your penis depends on it.

Because if you don’t, don’t expect to ever get a call back from this little lady.
I deleted his number, and when I told my sister and brother in law, my brother in law looked at me and said one of the nicest things he’s ever said to me, ‘that’s an embarrassment, and not to you, Dorie, an embarrassment to him.’

An embarrassment it is.