Thursday, January 28, 2010

The extinction of the Nice Jewish Boy (the NJB)

Sadly, after my last Jdate debacle, I concluded that the Nice Jewish Boy is on the merge of extinction, or has already become a man of another time…

A time when Jewish boys were led by their high IQs and not their circumcised petslehs,(little penises)…

When they used their investments wisely (their expensive subscription on Jdate), and not as avenues with which to get off…

When they cried over the last piece of Mandel bread being gone,

When they let their Jew fro grow wild and refused to shave it out of shame… A time when…

I could go on. It would take days.

It’s sad but true that I’ve taken to mourn the loss of this so called man that so many have told me was just beyond the horizon.

He has become like a Unicorn, Big Foot, the loch ness monster;

A myth with little evidence to prove its existence.

I’ve donned my black attire, my veil, my closed toed shoes and shed a tear, but questions swarm inside my head regarding this loss:

Who exactly is (was) an NJB ? And in a nod to Paula Cole, Where have all the good Jews gone?

Wikipedia, yes the term is even on Wikipedia, defined him as ‘a stereotype of Jewish masculinity which circulates within the American Jewish community, as well as in mainstream American culture. In Israel and the parts of the Diaspora which have received heavy exposure to the American media that deploy the representation, the stereotype has gained popular recognition to a lesser extent.’

That definition appears somewhat general, boring, and full of no answers to my question.

So, let’s look at, a less formal definer of terms and phrases:
“Common characteristics include:
- Curly dark hair
- Brown eyes
- Swarthy/olive complexion
- Very kind
- A big nose
- Really intelligent
- Extremely funny
- Kind of well-built, on the skinny side
- Tall
- Is very attached to his stereotypical Jewish mother that is very over-protective and probably hates the girl that finally sinks her claws into him.”

Funny, it would appear that in my opinion neither of the two define common characteristics of the NJB’s that I’ve heard of or have the pleasure to know.

So, I’ll stereotype:

Physically, the NJB is short, or average in height, with curly black or brown hair, brown or blues eyes, rarely are they hazel, and of course a nice size schnozz. His teeth are straight, due to monthly appointments to his Orthodontist as a young man and a hot set of shiny braces. Sometimes, he wears glasses, but their usually not the hip kind (black plastic or tortoise shell) they are silver and wire rimmed. They are functional, not fashionable and he likes it that way.

He is extremely intelligent, and loves to announce this to others, shall we say, a tad pretentious. He gets his shits and giggles from politics and re-runs of Seinfeld.

Into finance, economics, capitalism…

He is a gentleman who always pays on the first date, opens car doors, visits his Bubbee often, and loves his mother.

He is a fan of sports, but partakes in few.

He is a lover of music, all kinds, except hard-rock or death metal. (those bands scare him)

He wears boxers, not briefs and his idol is Larry David.

He goes to Shul on the high-holy days, fasts, and always keeps Passover.

He appreciates women, doesn’t understand them, but wants to.

He was a thriving population but is in the danger of vanishing.

Or, he has vanished in this district which we call Columbia.

But, this man has a historical background and Wikipedia (who knows if we can trust this source) relates that the qualities are ‘derived from Ashkenazic ideal of edelkeit (either "nobility" or "delicateness" in Yiddish). According to Daniel Boyarin's Unheroic Conduct (University of California Press, 1997), edelkeit embraces the studiousness, gentleness and sensitivity said to distinguish the Talmudic scholar and make him an attractive marriage partner (23).

‘studiousness, gentleness, sensitivity..’ Where has this man run off to?

Nice Jewish Boys were supposed to evolve from this in a positive direction, but have instead declined in all these areas.

Was the bar set too high? Did Jewish mothers have too much confidence in their little boychiks (young boys)?

I think not.

Instead, I think that NJGs (Nice Jewish Girls) have simply become too inundated with douches to realize that the man who calls himself a nice jewish boy is in fact the anti NJB:

He is the Drek auf dem teller( literally crap on a plate) who calls you in the early morning hours for booty.

He is the chamoole(jackass) who doesn’t pay.

He is the man whose penis isn’t even circumcised.

I look to my young nephew as the only hope for his kind.

I tell him that hugs are kind, as are Eskimo kisses.

I tell him not to bite or hit because that’s not nice.

I try to instill in him the principles of goodness.

I pray that he is listening.

1 comment:

  1. ", a less formal definer of terms and phrases" - I thoroughly enjoy humor through the use of understatement. :-)